So now I am engaged

After living with my first boyfriend for 11 months, he proposed to me.

My mother could not be more than thrilled to know that our relationship would become legitimized with rings and vows and a new last name.

It's funny. I felt like this was all decided a year ago, when I let him move his things in. That's when the pain and struggle happened for me. This time around his asking was a natural progression and I, in a sweaty t-shirt, laughing and crying, said "yes! of course"!


Writing under the title of purity was always ironic to me because since my first experience with porn and online flings, I felt as far removed from being pure as one could feel; but because I hadn't actually been with anyone my family was proud and thought I was following the rules. It's so much easier to give the pretense of purity, of structure and faith when there's no boyfriend hanging around. Or, people were simply unwilling to see what was so blatantly obvious to me. And so, my lie became quickly unraveled when Scott entered the picture. I simply had no real understanding of where my boundaries were and what I wanted .

No, I suppose what I wanted was everything.

Everything I felt I had been deprived of. Everything that I had sat anxiously waiting for with so many others that never came to fruition. And so it turned out that all of those books and conferences and promises of purity had really just been about appearances. And my outrage to my own lack of self control spawned my writing and re-reading of books with my self-important feminist attitude of bringing down the conservative Christian man who views woman only as the temptress.

I have started to realize that there are many forms of purity. That there are many ways to give oneself to a person. I struggled in the beginning of my relationship with Scott because of unrequited feelings for someone whom I loved. And they loved me back but differently and that was a major struggle. We ruined that friendship by not being pure or honest with one another and as time progressed our own selfish needs and inability to communicate them to each other drove me far away. It breaks my heart that I still feel like the wounds are fresh from two years ago. I love my fiance and am so excited to marry him but we both brought unnecessary hurt into our relationships but not guarding ourselves. And someone who was once so important, who I thought would be by my side on my wedding day rejoicing with me in finding a man who is so perfectly suited for my moods :), will not be there.


Now looking forward I need to work towards appropriate compromise for the betterment of two becoming one. Yes, in all it's corniness, I am learning to fight for my relationship and to figure out what being a pure wife looks like.

So I guess that makes me the trouble maker....

So I guess that makes me a trouble maker:

I wear a purity ring, it’s a gold dove ring. I picked it out and bought it when I was in the eighth grade because I had decided to take it upon myself to be pure. As with many other areas I had expressed interest in, my parents were proud of my self-discipline and initiative on things they had no follow through for. Having become Christians later in life, they went through maybe a year or two of celibacy before finding one another so the idea that I was willing to give up the experiences they had before I even knew what I was missing was super exciting to my ever growing conservative parents.

I still wear the ring because I like the bird a lot. Sometimes when I would look at porn or masturbate I would take the ring and hide it feeling too dirty to even look at it. I knew I was doing the wrong thing, that my thoughts and actions were impure, that no man would want someone who couldn't keep a simple promise. It completely lost it's original value by the fall that I had met Scott, but that was all my doing.

The challenges, rather the decisions made in our actual relationship reflected a young adult who felt like she had nothing to loose. This boyfriend was real, was safe, was never pushing her and monogamous. I did not spend a lot of time assessing my level of discipline; I made choices quickly and based on the trust I felt we had formed... I do not regret my decisions but I hardly would consider them to be a based on my upbringing. RECAP- raised conservative christian, told myself to not date until ready to be married, to not have sex before marriage- so that did not end up happening.

Mom immediately question my need to visit the gynecologist. Bluntly she asked, "You're not thinking of sleeping with him are you?!" 

My quick retort: "Yes of course, and that's the only reason a twenty six year old would go to a gynecologist. Thanks for knowing me so well"

So maybe my mom deserved more credit than I was willing to bestow because that was exactly why I was going, to put myself on birth control. I was indignant because I knew my mother would blame my boyfriend and "his past".

That wasn't really the whole story though, it is just that I haven't found a way to come clean about my own past to them. Nor do I even know that it is wholly necessary to do so. I guess that is where I struggle now, recognizing that I am not the honest chaste daughter they thought they could always rely on.

He literally would not place a finger on me without permission constantly reminding me that we could move slowly and he was in no hurry and that waiting until marriage was completely acceptable. So I guess that makes me the trouble maker because clearly I wanted to be with him, and I wanted to make that happen sooner rather than later.

Starting to Evolve

I have rewritten this entry at least half a dozen times and it’s been hard to figure out what exactly I want to say. I had drafts written over the months I struggled with whether Scott would move in, whether I should be honest with my parents, whether my moral and spiritual compass had completed shifted. So here is a continuation of the beginning.

I can't say that from first meeting Scott my life changed in such a dramatic way that there were no more problems, that would be unfair and completely untrue. I can say without a doubt that that fall semester trumped every other period of time in my life for challenges, and change and confusion. It wasn't the ideal I had imagined for myself;  we didn't meet at a church, he wasn't a virgin, he didn't come from a religiously minded family and he didn't have a college degree. I am sitting here laughing to myself looking at my list and I could go on with even more superficial nonsense based on what I thought was super important. In all these regards he was the opposite of what and how I thought I would be with and yet here I was, contemplating what it was that made him so desirable for me.

I started to notice other relationships shifting as a result of this newly established one. I had this desire to create better relationships, ones built on honesty, realistic expectations, mutual compromise and easy communication. I realized I was allowed to stick up for myself and that boundaries were important to keep friendships safe. I didn't allow my friend's emotions and personal issues to become personal triggers for me, instead I talked through how I felt and why, at least with some friends. Clearly I am not perfect at this still and I am sure that some friends are still angry at me since it looked like I was intentionally cutting people out and hurting them by my lack of immediate responses or availability. So messy! So challenging to balance life, love, friendships, but that’s life.

Phone Call

The other night my dad and I talked. Mom is out of the country for three weeks and he is super lonely. We tried to make plans for Father's Day. We both really like have well made plans and for some reason figuring out how to see each other over the weekend was proving to be super difficult. Somehow I am always home for Father's Day and always manage to send a card. It's like Mother's Day is a warm up (that I always forget) and I seem to have better follow through with the paternal event- my mother reads into this a lot.

This year he suggested coming to see me. I said that would be fine because I have a spare bedroom and could make it work for the weekend, and then with a huge gulp said,

"Of course I should be honest and tell you that Scott is living here now"

he responded immediately,  "You're sleeping with him? ... I didn't realize you had moved in together, I mean I guess you warned me that you were thinking about it but..." he rambled on for a minute. "Well that would make me uncomfortable to stay there"

Well I all but hyperventilated on the phone realizing I had just come completely clean on a secret I had kept from my parents for months- ever since I mentioned that this was a possibility he and I were exploring back in February. And then, the biggest surprise of all was the follow up text message: "I love you, I am glad we talked. "

Wow that was the best surprise of all. Finding out that despite the disappointment in his voice, despite the constant worry I had heard over skype for months about how I wasn't acting how I was raised, I was still loved.

Horror stories of the misinformed

Sex Ed Horror Stories
So I have attached a link to an article I found earlier today of ten absolutely ridiculous tales of school age stories in sex ed class.
Which really just makes me think that the sex conversation needs a bit of a revision. What a complicated issue since we all have such different views and moral obligations.
I wasn't really online looking for trouble :) Really! But earlier in the day I was talking to Becka and she brought up a conversation that had taken place at our Alma mater the night before, a Purity Talk on campus.

(I am so sad to have missed it but have spent the better part of my spring break in bed with a fever and awesome cough so it was clearly not meant to be)
Well I haven't been able to track down any information or feedback from the event outside of some people being angry about what was said, so perhaps this post is premature, but I did want to say that I glad that someone has started talking. I think the challenge will be ...at least with this school, listening...

The beginning of my six month relationship and other confessions

I beat myself up a lot for the decisions I make, the things I think, and how well I do with just about everything. I don't like to blame others even when it is their fault because I am sure that somehow I am responsible at the core of the issue.

Well that was the old me. I love that Christians are called to die to themselves and be reborn in Christ. More importantly, that we are forgiven and that it is assumed we will fail repeatedly but have eternal hope that can continue to guide us. Among other life changing events that have occurred over the past six months I managed to find new reasons to hate my decisions and self, so I have decided to make this my venue for self reflection and forgiveness.

I closed down my email address and stopped speaking to Chris the night before my best friend and I went on a road trip to drop her in California. It was a rocky summer in some regards for me because on top of renewing my unquenchable thirst for inappropriate connections with complete strangers and only barely salvaging a friendship with an old friend due to her slightly prudish nature about sex, I had an added complication of redefining a friendship whose level of intensity shifted for a short time significantly in my favor. To be honest, I thought it was possible we would be together; maybe it was because she knew so very much about me and continued to accept me no matter how crazy I felt like I was being. Maybe I so badly wanted to feel connected to another person that I imagined a lot and became paranoid ... maybe I couldn't accept that what she wanted and what I wanted were two very different things and so I became envious of everyone else she got close to, and made out with, and got back into contact with.

But then I dropped her off and boarded a plan feeling completely sure at that point that I had reached my limits with her. I couldn't stand to feel the way I felt- so out of control and unhealthy, so scared and misunderstood, so wanting to be desired and not left. But we had left each other physically and emotionally back and forth over the past year and our friendship was an unsafe place. I closed down my email address and looked to the future; one where I would be okay without wondering what she thought every minute of the day, one where I would learn to be happy with myself.

A few weeks later I started meeting new guys- no but really it was different. That part still amazes me. I was completely turned off to the lifestyle I had been craving to that point on. Like one prayer asking for relief somehow seemed to come to fruition upon my return from California and I was ready to start a new life. I met a few nice guys and some creepy ones that I vowed to never see again and then at the end of August I met Scott.

Nope forget it I was just kidding

I take it back
It sucks
I am not even able to think of words to describe how I feel
I would like to go punch something repeatedly for a really long time
I let myself down
and the ones that trust me to do the right thing and to care enough about myself to say no
and wait
wait for something or just be happy with what i have
which is non-perverted sexless life
I had a talk with an old friend yesterday and assured her that I was being held accountable
that I had more than one person who was able to talk me through situations
... I didn't mention that I won't tell them when i feel triggered
That I have been actively using my email account and talking to Chris for two weeks
That we pretend talk of meeting and even if I never do because jeez I don't think I do, it's still being said and it's going to get easier to push til there are no boundaries

I was kidding when I said I don't care because if nothing else I care that others will find out
That I will loose my job
my life
my friends
my sanity
and I guess I already feel like I have
and to make matters worse, I know I am angry ranting, I am sharing this with people that really don't need the stress of this right now
damn it